Some thoughts on writing male characters

Still with me? Okay, cool. I am a cis, heterosexual woman in her forties. While my husband is very open in sharing with me how men think, he’s only one man. And, he’s also cis and heterosexual. I’ve also had conversations about sex (ranging in level of detail) with a good friend of mine (a cis gay man).  Yet, I like writing about men having sex – either with a woman or with a man. Yikes! I needed to do some research on what men think about sex, and particularly what men who have sex with other men think about sex.

Terminology

In fanfiction, romance or sex between two men was called “slash” when I was writing and reading it. According to a twenty year old who reads fanfiction all the time and speaks in pairings: “It is an older term for sure.” Sigh.

It goes back to the 1960s, but apparently today’s youth decided it was too old fashioned? Because the follow up comment is: “Not sure there’s a specific term for m/m fics.” I could probably rant about this for a few paragraphs, but I’ll sum up as: blink, blink.

In original fiction, romance or sex between two men is referred to male male, also written as M/M or MM. 

The term “men having sex with men” is cumbersome, although accurate. (There is the acronym MSM, but I gotta hold down the shift key, so not very typing friendly.) The term “gay sex” automatically implies that the men involved identify as gay. One thing I’ve learned in my research is this is often not true at all.

The term “gay” is also a loaded term. At least in American society – sorry for everyone else, I’m not sure how accurate my experiences are to other countries! Homophobia is unfortunately alive and well. Also, historically, this word wasn’t used. Not as far back as the early 1600s anyway, which is when the Chess Series is loosely based on, even given it’s fantasy.

For this article, I’m going to use “slash” because that’s the way I learned/first labeled fiction involving romantic relationships or sex between men. 

Research

I did research – both on how men think about sex and the mechanics of how they do things. Some of this was of the reading variety. Both articles and books written by men on sexual topics.

I also watched porn. Of which there is a lot to choose from. Meaning a lot of different things appeal to men (and us women) watching. For the purposes of writing slash scenes, I saw some things that helped. For instance, I hadn’t really considered it before, but when two people are spooning – whether having sex or simply lying together – the person in front can turn their body enough to put their arm around the neck of the person behind them and kiss. Oh – that’s super romantic and also hot if they are having sex. (At least in my opinion.) Thus, this is how my characters do it. Perhaps it’s not how most men do, or at least not how the entire encounter proceeds, but it’s definitely possible and accurate in that regard. 

Quick note on watching porn as research: I am well aware that porn isn’t real life, okay? It is good for being able to see physical positions people are able to achieve (the above mentioned kissing while spooning for instance), as well as how certain acts look. Also, most of the porn on sites like Pornhub aren’t professionals. These are people doing stuff while recording on their cell phones. (Complete with messy desks, etc. in the background.)

Which means there’s no airbrushing or strategic lighting. So while they may be doing something in an over the top way because they’re filming it, you’re still seeing how people really look. Hair, body shape, and genital size included. It’s also a way to discover new interests of your own. Some of which may make it into your writing, some of which you will keep to yourself.  

What is sex?

There is a widely held belief that slash is by definition anal sex/penetration. I understand why. Because “sex” between a man and a woman is almost seen by definition as penetration too. Anything else not actually being “sex.”

Totally not true, of course. Sorry, the definition of “sexual relations” aside, a blowjob is sex. Fingering is sex. Frotting is sex. 

Here’s a section of a scene I wrote between two male characters regarding what “counts” as sex. 

He pushed his chair back, then stood and took the chair next to me. He reached out and put his hand over mine. “You don’t sound like a kid. And just like there’s no timeline for how fast a relationship moves, there’s no step by step instructions that dictate exactly how sex works either.”

I gave him a skeptical look as my face cooled. “Pretty sure there’s at least the steps of clothes off, stimulation, finish.”

He tilted his head. “The clothes have to come off?”

I frowned. “No, I suppose one can get enough friction to meet the stimulation then finish parts of that sequence, but it makes a bit of a mess.”

He shrugged. “So?”

Wait – what? I pushed my plate towards the center of the table, folded my arms in front of me, and rested my forehead on my arms. I tried to take deep breaths but either the position or the tears I was fighting made it almost impossible. I had to shove the memories back or they would undo me. Especially since I hadn’t told Sedric about Jack. 

Sedric rubbed my upper arm and asked quietly, “You alright?”

“Yeah, I just need a minute.” After a moment, I sat back up and wiped the tears from my eyes as I took a deep breath. “So, ah, that counts, huh?”

“As sex, you mean?” I nodded and he continued, “It’s definitely sexual. I think that doing something with another person to deliberately arouse either one, especially if it results in at least one of them coming, counts as some form of sex, yes.”

I reached for my water and took a swallow before saying, “Then I suppose I should call myself virgin-ish. Because, previously, I included that in the category of making out, heading into groping.”

He nodded. “So, where was your line for what counted as sex?”

“I suppose it was at clothing removal. Not necessarily all clothes, but at least some.”

He leaned over and kissed me gently on the lips. “And there’s nothing wrong with having that as a starting definition.”

Alecks (the I in the passage above) clearly views sex as more than penetration. As Alecks points out, Sedric’s definition is a bit too broad given that kissing someone isn’t sex by itself. Although Sedric clearly views sex as more than penetration as well. 

Observations From Porn

And while not scientific, I found something interesting when I went to Pornhub looking for videos. I used the search of “gay sex.” While it does have problems, it’s the term most associated with slash. 

As of the writing of this post, the very first video had a title of “We’re straight.” The second video listed was animation. The next eight were all anal sex. Although, while the titles of the videos indicated that was the main activity, for several of them the image that went with the title (a clip from the video) wasn’t that activity. There was kissing, lying together in bed, and blowjobs. In my totally unscientific opinion, this seems to indicate that the draw isn’t actually the penetration, it’s what happens up to that point. Although it’s included in the title so you know it’s there if you’d prefer to skip it. 

Investigating a bit more I discovered the handy category system had sub categories. Under the broad category of “Gay” was the sub category of “Actions.” Which breaks down as follows:

Action	Number of videos
Bareback	19,860
Group	4,919
Rough sex	7,709
Creampie	1,966
Cumshot	15,570
Fetish	9,651
Blowjob	21,636
Handjob	7,782

 

What immediately jumped out at me is that the category of Blowjob has over 21,000 videos – the most of any single category. This is clearly an activity that people want to watch. Which probably means it’s an activity that people want to do. 

Handjob also has a pretty good amount of videos – more than the categories of Group, Rough sex, and Creampie. Also indicating that it’s something people want to watch, and probably something people want to do. 

Given these two activities don’t require any particular prep or accessories, I think it’s safe to say if you’re watching it, not only do you like it, but it’s guaranteed it’s something you either also do, or want to do.

According to the FAQ, videos can be added to more than one category. Which means there is overlap in the categories above. Even in the scenario that all videos are in more than one category, that still means that there are more videos that definitely have blowjobs than those that may or may not have them. 

Again, this isn’t scientific by any means, but it is pretty compelling evidence that sex includes a heck of a lot more activities than penetration. And, maybe, blowjobs are done more than penetration. 

Scientific Study

While I recognize that scientific studies have inherent issues given the nature of the topic, there was one large scale study done that indicates penetration isn’t the be all and end all of slashy sex. In other words, it matches up with my quick study of Pornhub.

In 2011, The Journal of Sexual Medicine published a study of 24,787 men who have sex with other men as to what they actually do in bed. The full original article is only available if you pay for it. However, the abstract of the study is available. Which gives a summary of the findings. They asked about the most recent sexual experience, by the way. 

The most commonly reported behavior was kissing a partner on the mouth (74.5%), followed by oral sex (72.7%), and partnered masturbation (68.4%). Anal intercourse occurred among less than half of participants (37.2%) and was most common among men ages 18–24 (42.7%).

I found another article that gives a summary of the study. That one states:

The results: Despite the popular perception, “sexual behaviors involving the anus were least common,” researchers found. Around 75 percent of participants reported kissing their partners, giving oral sex, and/or receiving oral sex in their most recent sexual encounters. By contrast, only 36 percent of men reporting receiving anal sex and 34 percent of men reporting giving it. Half of participants who engaged in anal sex employed a condom. The most common series of activities in the encounter—reported by 16 percent of men—involved “holding their partner romantically, kissing partner on mouth, solo masturbation, masturbating partner, masturbation by partner, and genital–genital contact.”

Sounds like they read the full article. Though, if you look closely the numbers don’t match. 

The results from the abstract say that “Anal intercourse occurred among less than half of participants (37.2%).” One would presume that number would include those both giving and receiving. 

However, the second article expands on that to: “By contrast, only 36 percent of men reporting receiving anal sex and 34 percent of men reporting giving it.”

Obviously, not all men were both the giver and the receiver (or the numbers would be the same), so does that mean that 70% of men engaged in anal intercourse? Or, does the 37.2% reflect that lots and lots of guys were both giver and receiver? 

Without reading the full article (again, not free – boo!), I can’t answer that question, but 37.2% is pretty darn specific. It’s also an official part of the research article, not a summary one step removed from the article.

Even if we take the 70% result as accurate, that’s still less than the 72.7% who are giving and/or getting blowjobs. And there’s probably a significant overlap (meaning the guys did both during the course of the encounter.)

And even if 70% of men did either give or receive penetration that’s still 30% who didn’t! Thirty percent! That’s a large minority.

Not quite sure what activities they define as “partnered masturbation.” Although the second article seems to state the researchers included solo masturbation, masturbating partner, and masturbation by partner. Percentage = 68.4%

They also mentioned genital to genital contact. Pretty sure that’s a scientific way of saying what the common person calls frottage or frotting. Which is rubbing penises together, or lining them up and one hand strokes both at the same time (was this also included in masturbation in the study I wonder?)

Oh, and clothes still on is also frottage. Although “grinding” being a more common term when still clothed.

Conclusion? Well, damn. Why does every freaking slash romance seem to always have penetration be the finale? I will at least give them credit that if both men aren’t already familiar with it, then it’s something worked up to and not part of the first time. Except it’s still something “worked up to,” and then becomes the finale. Other things seem to only be a backup when there’s not enough time.

Which doesn’t match real life. Either the study by scientists or by investigating the most common sub categories of gay porn. 

One more study that I found. Again, couldn’t access the full article without paying for it (something like $40 just for one article), so I just clipped the Abstract. 

Writing Sex Between Two Men

Writing a blowjob is boring, okay? Watching and giving are not, though. Problem is, you can try a few different techniques, but the giver doesn’t keep doing different things, unless they want the receiver to not orgasm yet. Because going over the edge pretty much requires a steady, consistent form of friction (whether that’s thrusting, stroking, or sucking). How does one write that and not be boring? 

Also, given that this is the main activity my characters do, it’s something that needs to be described a lot. So, I usually will give a lot more detail the first time those two characters do it. After that I’ll give a bit of description to start off, then sum up with something along the lines of: I used my hands, lips, and tongue to drive him crazy.

 

 

My characters kiss a lot. I write romance, this is required. But, as it turns out, real life accurate. <woot!>

They also have as much body to body contact as they can before the clothes come off. No study to back that up, but I doubt those folks kissing were only touching lips and nothing else. 

And let me also add from my porn watching/research – gay porn has lots and lots and lots of kissing. Like, noticeably more than heterosexual porn. So, even though it’s porn, choosing the gay version of a site generally results in videos that I would consider more “romantic” than the straight version of the site. Of course not every video is like that – it is porn after all. But more often than not, the men kiss – and continue to kiss during the act. It’s difficult to find this in heterosexual porn. I actually bookmarked the first video I found that included as much kissing as I picture my characters doing. Like, oh, it isn’t that weird. It does happen – even between strangers who are meeting for the first time to be filmed. Huh.

Describing Men

I don’t talk about penis size. Maybe because I’m a woman and I don’t really care. Also, because I can’t tell from a video exactly what size I’m looking at – presuming I see one that I think could be representative of my character. The only discussion of size I did was when one character remarks that he was bigger than she expected. Although she admits later that she’s not sure if that’s because she didn’t really know what to expect, or if he is bigger than average.

The man in question is told about this conversation a couple of years later, at which point he states that he’s bigger than five inches, but not as big as eight. And guess what? I never tell you what number in the middle it is. It’s not important. It’s only relevant in that taking his full length requires deep throating. 

I won’t tell you what it looks like either, okay? If you don’t know what a penis looks like, then I don’t know what to say. (Maybe go google it?) I won’t describe color beyond if he’s dark red and hotter than usual he’s super turned on. No description of veins, or size of testicles, or any of that. I also won’t tell you if the character is cut or uncut. Decide for yourself. 

With most of my characters I have a specific actor in mind when I describe them. Which means I’m describing their hair, eyes, and general body shape. I’m not going into amount of chest hair, or other characteristics that are specific to the person I picture – especially and particularly speculation on the physical characteristics of their genitals. Because, ah, ew. So invasive and almost stalking.

Personally, if I read detailed descriptions in fiction, I tend to forget them and picture who I want anyway. Except for a few things – Harry Potter’s lightening shaped scar, Jamie Fraser’s red hair – I don’t even remember what the character looks like beyond the image I create in my head. Case in point: When I saw the first Harry Potter movie I was surprised that Draco had blond hair. Going back to the book I saw that Rowling had clearly said that he did, but my mental image gave him dark hair. 

Realistic Men

While I’m on the topic of describing men, I want to take a moment to discuss how men act. There is a book – that I will not name because I’m going to say all kinds of negative things about it – that has a very unrealistic portrayal of men. Particularly the main male character. The book is a romance in that the plot revolves around the characters’ relationship and ends in a happily ever after. 

Early in the book, the guy is staying in the guest bedroom at the woman’s house. He admires her physical attributes and you get an insight into what he’s thinking. Which is, not unexpectedly, along the lines of: she’s hot and I would really like to do more than just talk to her. There is clear indication that he gets turned on by these thoughts. So far, so realistic. Perhaps an actual man would use vocabulary more coarse than the character, but I don’t have a problem with that. 

So, what does the man do with his feelings of sexual arousal around this beautiful woman? If you answered some version of “masturbate” you would be…WRONG! He goes to bed. To sleep. With some kind of sleepwear on. 

What?

Okay, so the author didn’t want to describe him masturbating. I can understand that. But what actual man would just go to bed? Certainly not the real guys I’ve posed this question to. Instead, the author should have said he went to take a cold shower and forced himself to think about all the work he had to do the next day.

This character is also a bit of a hypocrite. He purports to want a woman who is smart, independent, and can think for herself. Cool. Women want a man like that. Except that he decides that when she says she interested in kink she doesn’t really mean it. That she really has no idea what she’s actually asking for and therefore, he won’t tell her what he’s interested in. Because she’ll view him in a negative light that he wants to do that stuff. Aggressive male or something?

Kink, okay? The author uses this word in several places, kinda building you up to think this guy is into, ah, kink. We’ve all read 50 Shades, right? Can we agree (whether or not the sex in that book is accurate/healthy) that what they do definitely counts as kink? Sensory deprivation, blindfolds, some bondage (although there’s a range of types here), spanking, or maybe even flogging would certainly “count” as kink. 

For a contemporary romance novel – in other words on the lighter side – one would expect kink to mean light bondage, blindfolding, maybe spanking. I personally would think that light wax play could be included as well, but that may be too far over the line. Again, perfectly fine. 

But what does this build up lead us to? The kink that this guy is so sure she doesn’t know she’s asking for, that she couldn’t possibly be into? That she would think he was horrible for? The reason I continued to read the damn book? The payoff I was waiting for? 

Hold on…

This is gonna get crazy…

Silk scarves. That he ties her hands with. I don’t recall if he even ties them to the bed as well. But no blindfolding, no spanking, not even using freaking sex toys with her. Silk scarves. That are apparently so “innocent” looking she can wear them out of the house as accessories. 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 

This man is not a man. He’s a female (and apparently a conservative one at that) with a penis tacked on. Seriously.

Gosh, I wish I could have back the time it took me to read that book. 

~~

Please note: I’m not saying there is anything wrong with silk scarves or tying someone up with them. I’m also not saying there’s anything wrong with the male character being hesitant to suggest doing so. After all, it’s perfectly reasonable this discussion isn’t a first date kind of thing.

However, I am saying there is something wrong with referring to this light of an activity in a way that makes it seem very out of the ordinary. Or that there’s something aggressive/scary about wanting to do this activity. Yes, it’s technically kink. There are many, many, many more activities beyond this that are also kink. This book’s treatment of kink borders on kink shaming, in my opinion. 

Clearly, I wasn’t the target audience for this book. However, given this author is a bestseller, I have to wonder how many of her readers agreed with this view of kink? Which then makes me start to think about how this correlates to the current political climate towards any alternative sexuality…and that’s a whole different topic.  

~~

Fortunately, I can’t think of any other examples off the top of my head of truly badly written men. But if in doubt about how a man would react, I ask. 

Okay, another quick warning. I’m not a conservative woman. I consider myself a liberal and I’m not religious. I don’t believe in sin. And I don’t believe that masturbation is wrong. So the short rant that follows may offend those who are/do.

For example, in one book my female character decides to masturbate while her guy is asleep next to her. She tries to stay quiet, but ends up getting lost in a fantasy, throwing of the covers and shaking the bed. Which, you guessed it, wakes him up. Then, she’s worried that he’ll be upset and she stops moving her fingers. 

What would a (conservative) woman with a penis tacked on do? Get truly upset that she didn’t need him, maybe? Wonder why she didn’t wake him up for actual sex? Want to know why she needed to fantasize? I’m out of ideas, folks. 

Just thought of another – think what she was doing was wrong and not know how to handle it?

Cue suppressed tears, angry looks, passive aggressive behavior… Because men are more aggressive and get angry easier. And they can’t show sadness, or – gasp – cry. </sarcasm>

On the other hand, I’ve seen way more women than men be passive aggressive. But if you don’t write realistic men, then your guy looks like a woman who is trying to pretend she’s a stereotypical man. 

What did my character do? Get hard, then tell her not to stop because he wanted to watch her finish. As he says, “Finish yourself off, then I want to be inside of you for round two.” 

I was pretty sure this is how a man would react, but I verified with my husband. Yep, exactly the right response. A man wouldn’t get upset, he’d want to join in.

Conclusion

I’ve always enjoyed the romantic aspects of slash fiction. And reading sex scenes is usually a positive experience. However, that doesn’t mean that written slashy sex is necessarily reflective of real life. Especially given that written slashy sex seems to be penetrative sex by definition. Anything less is only foreplay or a step on the road to penetrative sex. Because of course that’s the ultimate indicator that it’s not a man and a woman, right?

I don’t know where I read it, so I apologize I can’t give a reference, but I remember reading a message board once where the guy posting (who identified as gay) insisted that penetrative sex wasn’t the most gay experience. He said that there wasn’t anything more gay than two guys rubbing their genitals together. Which makes sense. Men can have anal sex with women, so this isn’t exclusively slashy. But (speaking solely of cis gendered individuals) a man cannot rub his penis against a woman’s penis cause women don’t have one. So that is exclusively slashy. And, incidentally, something I personally find hot as hell to watch, although I’ll never be able to do it personally of course. 

And as it turns out there is a lot of typical “romance” behaviors in real life. Kissing, touching, holding, and saying those three little words isn’t something only romance characters do, folks. And according to research, penetrative sex isn’t the only thing that happens during slashy sex, either.

As for writing “realistic” men, I try. Don’t know if I get it right, but I do try. Asking real, actual men is usually a good idea when trying to realistically describe a man’s reactions. Of course, depending on the level of detail, the pool of men to ask shrinks, but that doesn’t mean one shouldn’t attempt.